these are things that I could not tell you;
things that remind me of you when I want nothing more than to forget;
things that have gone wrong;
things that have gone right;
things that will never happen;
things that are your fault,
my fault,
the faults of no one;
these are things that we did not do and will not let go of
There are things that I miss, of course. The sex is the first thing that comes to mind, and free museum admission. But there’s also the tangling legs before falling asleep and someone to wander around museums with. Also reading aloud in the morning, laughing about classical feminism. I also miss the potential and so many things that simply didn’t happen yet. Can you miss things that never were? Apparently.
But I’m happy despite this occasional sense of lost potential and all these bad dreams. Over all I can say things are good. This spring is bringing change.
The boy wants to meet my friends today. It is entirely possible that he has no idea what today actually is, too. But I made cookies anyway and decorated them appropriately. And yes that is a “<3” on some of them. We met on the internet, what do you expect? (The ones that look like they’re bleeding have icing AND sprinkles on them. I am not the best at dessert presentation, though my dinner presentation rocks).
This is me being ridiculous and corny and nerdy and making a sort-of-valentine for my not-boyfriend (who I REALLY hope doesn’t read this blog [eta: OH GOD it’s the first result if you search for my username. HI EVERYONE]). I really like the ’50s and ’50s slang and “swell” became a part of my vocabulary with the first Matt (I really need to stop with the repeating names, don’t I?) and just sort of stuck and well, I do think this guy is swell and there’s a certain feeling I associate with that word and I get it and oh god this could go so terribly for me but anyway the waves are of course by Cassy because when do I ever use art from anyone else I mean really now.
Something you did made me bleed so you are doing it good enough. We can get into that later, though.
I don’t want you to think anything I’ve said was meant to make you change. I like you as you are and I really don’t need anything different than what you’re offering. I’m someone who can see that, at least. I hope that it’s obvious that I like you and that you get to me in all the best ways and that you don’t need to be someone else to keep doing that. Just keep calling.
Oh gosh. I’m realizing that I’ve said things, told you things that might make you think you have to change. But you don’t, you don’t. You’ve done everything right so far and it’s wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. So please do not think you have to be more “manly” or domineering or anything else I’ve said because you are good and if I didn’t think so I wouldn’t have stuck around for even this long.
Dinner and drinks and orange juice when we get to your lovely apartment. Those looks I’m so used to before our lips collide and then the question, “Would you like to leave the kitchen?” And so we do and stop in the hallway and my back on the wall and here is your bedroom. My legs, your arms, your height, my hair (always too much hair). How you can pick me up and when you kiss my forehead I don’t get mad and you laugh at the stupid things I say and are appropriately nerdy. And how I can read aloud to you in the morning and that is OK and lying together is just swell.
I shouldn’t count so much so soon but it’s just so nice.
It’s been a different but wonderful evening. I made my own dinner and it was healthy and homey and I did the dishes and wondered if the third date was too soon to suggest that I cook for him because I’m really good at talking myself into things and looking way too far into the future. But it would be nice to have someone to share these things with (you know, you know) other than my roommate, my friends. I love you but it just isn’t the same.
So I’m dating this guy. That is to say I’m going on dates with this guy. Or at least I think they’re dates. I’ve never been sure about these things. I just know that I can’t decide what to wear and I smile a lot so it must be something at least good. But anyway…
I’m dating this guy. And I like him as a person and I’m telling myself to like him more because I know that he’s a good guy and we’d go well together and he’s not like All The Others most likely and he would go to the Math Midway with me and actually be excited. And he guessed things correctly and damn it’s always so impressive when they do that especially cause so few people actually get these things right (counting this one I can say two, MAYBE three).
So I’m telling myself to like him more and be happy and stop stopping myself from seeing good things. I think it is working. I don’t know if it is right or wrong, though, and I don’t want to hurt any one.
