these are things that I could not tell you;
things that remind me of you when I want nothing more than to forget;
things that have gone wrong;
things that have gone right;
things that will never happen;
things that are your fault,
my fault,
the faults of no one;
these are things that we did not do and will not let go of
There are things that I miss, of course. The sex is the first thing that comes to mind, and free museum admission. But there’s also the tangling legs before falling asleep and someone to wander around museums with. Also reading aloud in the morning, laughing about classical feminism. I also miss the potential and so many things that simply didn’t happen yet. Can you miss things that never were? Apparently.
But I’m happy despite this occasional sense of lost potential and all these bad dreams. Over all I can say things are good. This spring is bringing change.
I was so full of butterflies
Girl, you were full of charm.
It took a lot of walking side by side
before we were arm-in-arm
I found Miles Fisher on some blog that’d posted the (super awesome) video for his cover of “This Must be the Place” and I’m so glad I just heard this song. A perfect swoon/just a bit heartbroken song for spring.
I really don’t usually care much about fashion as long as I like what I’m wearing and feel comfortable and generally put together but OHMYGOSHTHISSKIRT
seen from a great enough distance i cannot be seen
i feel this as an extremely distinct sensation
of feeling like shit; the effect of small children
is that they use declarative sentences and then look at your face
with an expression that says, ‘you will never do enough
for the people you love’; i can feel the universe expanding
and it feels like no one is trying hard enough
the effect of this is an extremely shitty sensation
of being the only person alive; i have been alone for a very long time
it will take an extreme person to make me feel less alone
the effect of being alone for a very long time
is that i have been thinking very hard and learning about existence, mortality
loneliness, people, society, and love; i am afraid
that i am not learning fast enough; i can feel the universe expanding
and it feels like no one has ever tried hard enough; when i cried in your room
it was the effect of an extremely distinct sensation that ‘i am the only person
alive,’ ‘i have not learned enough,’ and ‘i can feel the universe
expanding and making things further apart
and it feels like a declarative sentence
whose message is that we must try harder’
Every night before I sleep, I reach out because some part of me believes that you’ll magically appear by my side. You always did like mystical things like that. Your feelings were also good at vanishing acts.
About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters; how well, they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer’s horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel’s Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.
We covered the 15th and started the 16th century in Art History today so of course this was covered. I love that my professor was absolutely compelled to read the poem to us. There are some things I’ll miss if I leave this school.
